Author Archives: One day at a time.

Today was a very hard day. I think my marriage is over and I haven’t the slightest idea of what to do or how to move forward.

I had been at work and when I came home I put up some outdoor solar lights and my friend came around to start decorating our utility room. After a few hours he finished and asked me to come over to eat with his family which I did as my husband and son just live upstairs on video games and I enjoy socialising. Plus you can’t been home cooked Syrian food.

My friend asked for my son and husband to come but I knew better as they never want to venture outside of their video games, so I went on my own like usual.

After dinner we played a few games of backgammon and just chatted we also looked at paint colours for the utility room to pick out what we wanted so my friend could start painting when the walls were ready.

I came home in the evening and sat down going through my cabinets as I am looking to declutter my home and as it’s a bank holiday coming up figured a boot sale would be a great idea and I wanted to start putting things together to sell.

By the time I finished it was 11pm so I decided to get my clothes ready for work in the morning when my son came in and said he was hungry , he is always hungry so thighs nothing of it until he told me he hadn’t had dinner.

I was shocked by this as I told my husband I was going to a friends and as he has been off for over a week assumed he would sort his and our sons dinner. Realised my child of only 9 years had not been fed made me so angry not to mention the fact my husband is always gaming he works he sleeps and he games. Angry and feeling guilty that I had not even known my child had not eaten I shouted that I was sick and tired of video games controlling this family. To which infuriated my husband who slams the door shouting at our son what have you done now? I shouted back he’s done nothing! He should t have to ask for dinner especially at 11pm!!!

I asked our son to come down so I could make him dinner he made his choice of dinner and I started cooking it when my husband comes down saying he will do his dinner and I said no I will do it! He proceeded to speak and at this point I didn’t even hear what he said and just said I am done! He said what do you mean you are done and I said I am done with all of this this is not a marriage or a family. I continued this hasn’t been a marriage for 10 years to which he shouted you are really pissing me off what do you mean and I said if you think this is a family you have no clue what a family and marriage is because this is not it.

The arguing continues with him naturally going to his mothers go to phrase so it’s all my fault I do everything wrong. I never said that and that’s not what I’m saying all you do is work sleep and play video games and he said I am on vacation and I said it’s what you do even when you are not on holiday so what’s wrong with that and I said how many weeks have you had off in just the last couple months to which he said he didn’t know well on average he has weeks off because he does work shift work so he can get 5 days off every six weeks plus using his annual leave he can get many weeks at a time and he said yea so and I said how much time have I had off? And he said I don’t know and I said what do I do on my days off? And he said garden and I said is that all and he said why what do you do and I said see you don’t even value me you don’t even know what I do all day. And he kept going well what do you do then and I said I’m done this is done I can’t live like this anymore so he questioned saying you want to split the assets and leave and I didn’t reply and he said well answer me and I said no I have said I don’t wNt this anymore. He was of course not happy and kept insisting I answer to which I said go back to your games I’m done.

Don’t get me wrong my husband does cook and is pretty good at doing dishes and tidying up and I know that and appreciate it. What I have a problem with is that my days off are spent doing laundry ironing cleaning. I go to work and often am sent to the store to pick up cokes and things we need because my husband doesn’t drive.

I am very far from perfect I can be lazy and I’m am am on the verge of being a hoarder but I get things done I try and do things for the house and family as well as for myself I do get to enjoy gardening and lord knows I have plenty of time to myself to do what I want sounds great right? How dare I complain?

Well let me detail what is really the problem it’s been over 9 years since we had sex. It’s been 9 years since my husband has touched me with any form of intimacy. He never smacks my ass touches my breast no passionate kissing it’s a simple hug and kiss that’s the extent of the affection I get. I haven’t even slept in the same bed as him for at least 6 years because after 3 years of trying to initiate intimacy and EVERY single time being turned down it hurts! It is painful to be rejected over and over and over again so I swore I would never initiate again because it hurt too much to be rejected.

Intimacy is not the only issue socialising is another. I have always had friends and socialised and I became a hermit because it becomes embarrassing when you have friends who don’t even believe you are married because they never see your husband. To go to every gathering alone or just with my son is not fun. When you tie up to a bbq and all your friends husbands are their and yet yours is at home it’s embarrassing like I’m not good enough for him to make the effort or my friends are not good enough for him.

He hates my friends and makes no real effort to spend time with them and god forbid I want to go out and make more friends I’m on my own. I want to hold my husbands had and show him off to everyone. The only time we did go out was when I would go to his friends gatherings.

The worst of it started more recently when over and over my son never asks him for anything and begs me to sleep with him because he doesn’t want to upset his dad. He doesn’t tell his dad he’s hungry because he is afraid he will get annoyed or even worse shout at him. He has spent the last 4 days saying how much he wants to play with his dad but his dad just plays his games and doesn’t spend time with him. That was heartbreaking to know that all he wants is attention from his dad.

In all the years his father never takes him out by himself using the excuse he doesn’t drive. There are parks all around near us there are buses trains taxis and one on one time is precious and important but it’s not for him. I hate every minute that I don’t spend time with my son and I hold extreme guilt when I don’t do more with him but I do try sometimes better than other times but his dad doesn’t make any effort!

My child should never have to ask for dinner and he sure as heck should never be afraid to ask for dinner!

This is why I have had enough!

You would think an apology would be the first thing I would do oh shit I’m sorry I lost track of time or god I can’t believe I have not made dinner instead of justifying a gaming addiction . I’m so sorry I haven’t made dinner or taken care of my son. Yet here I am after working and I feel guilty I feel horrible that I assumed his dad would have fed him! There is something seriously wrong when my first thought is guilt and his fathers first thought is rage and blame!

I am new to this whole blogging and I don’t expect anyone to read this so I’m going to just put my thoughts here to release them from being held inside.

I think it’s so hard to manage all my thoughts feelings and emotions. I don’t feel I have a right to feel sorry for myself despite what I’ve been through because overall I am rather fortunate.

When I was young I went through a lot of physical mental and emotional abuse from mainly my father but also from the religion my parents forced upon me.

My earliest traumatic incident I remember was when I was around 8 years old.

We had gone to church and as almost 8 year old children with ADHD I found it hard to sit through the 2 hours of boring lectures so I began fidgeting and it deeply upset my father. He gave me that look you know the one that puts the fear of God into you and I knew when we got home I was going to suffer the consequences of my inability to keep still and pay attention.

However in a moment of pure genius for an 8 year old one of the preachers was speaking and brought up a perfect scripture it was one about fathers provoking their children and acting out of anger rather than love. I mentally memorised the scripture so if he threw the bible at me I could show him what the bible said about disciplining in anger.

Sure enough when we got home he pulled out his bible and read the scriptures about disciplining your children so me only 8 thinking I was going to help him see he should act in love not anger and not beat me I turned the pages and showed him the scripture the preacher read. My god that was a mistake the rage and fury in my fathers face was terrifying and here a tiny little 8 year old girl in a pretty frilly dress with matching socks and little dress shoes was bent over and beat with a belt I decided to count the hits to try and keep my mind of the pain but I couldn’t count any higher than 50. Here I was a little innocent girl and in that moment I was broken. I don’t even know how I survived that day because aside from the pain of the beating it was the devastation from the man I idolise my father the one man I wanted to love me hated me and hated me so much that he wanted to hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before.

That day changed my life forever I would never be the same. The trauma still haunts me to this day!