I am new to this whole blogging and I don’t expect anyone to read this so I’m going to just put my thoughts here to release them from being held inside.
I think it’s so hard to manage all my thoughts feelings and emotions. I don’t feel I have a right to feel sorry for myself despite what I’ve been through because overall I am rather fortunate.
When I was young I went through a lot of physical mental and emotional abuse from mainly my father but also from the religion my parents forced upon me.
My earliest traumatic incident I remember was when I was around 8 years old.
We had gone to church and as almost 8 year old children with ADHD I found it hard to sit through the 2 hours of boring lectures so I began fidgeting and it deeply upset my father. He gave me that look you know the one that puts the fear of God into you and I knew when we got home I was going to suffer the consequences of my inability to keep still and pay attention.
However in a moment of pure genius for an 8 year old one of the preachers was speaking and brought up a perfect scripture it was one about fathers provoking their children and acting out of anger rather than love. I mentally memorised the scripture so if he threw the bible at me I could show him what the bible said about disciplining in anger.
Sure enough when we got home he pulled out his bible and read the scriptures about disciplining your children so me only 8 thinking I was going to help him see he should act in love not anger and not beat me I turned the pages and showed him the scripture the preacher read. My god that was a mistake the rage and fury in my fathers face was terrifying and here a tiny little 8 year old girl in a pretty frilly dress with matching socks and little dress shoes was bent over and beat with a belt I decided to count the hits to try and keep my mind of the pain but I couldn’t count any higher than 50. Here I was a little innocent girl and in that moment I was broken. I don’t even know how I survived that day because aside from the pain of the beating it was the devastation from the man I idolise my father the one man I wanted to love me hated me and hated me so much that he wanted to hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before.
That day changed my life forever I would never be the same. The trauma still haunts me to this day!
One Day at a Time 